Book Review: 'The Girls' Book of Glamour'
Plus, some updated tips from yours truly!
Editor’s note: I apologize for my late post this week! No real good reason, just still getting used to the Substack writer’s life and struggling with time management. As a result, you’ll be getting two posts this week, this one being the first and Friday being the second, aka my regularly scheduled post. Happy reading! (If you have any comments or complaints about this, as always feel free to write them to me).
In the summer of 2015, a family member gifted me a book about caring for myself. With its pink hard cover and it’s shining silver lettering, along with an illustration of a girl in a bath tub surrounded by bubbles and scrubbing her foot, The Girls’ Book of Glamour: A Guide to Being a Goddess invited me to become a beauty queen. Written by Sally Jeffrie and published by Scholastic in 2008, the book was filled with 126 pages of tips including “how to hail a taxi cab,” “how to air kiss,” “how to seem confident when you’re not,” and “how to get super soft feet while you sleep” (the book oddly had a lot of a weird foot tips). The back of the cover even went so far as to convince you that you would be fully transformed after reading:
“Be confident. Be glamourous. Be gorgeous…be the goddess you were born to be! […] With easy-to-follow directions and helpful illustrations, it won’t be long before you’re a true goddess. After all, every girl deserves a life of glamour!”
As a teenager, I often found myself feeling like an ugly duckling at my small High School, so I did have some hope that these would be of use to me. And some of them were; “How to shampoo and condition your hair properly” helped me “reinvent” my shower routine; “How to take charge of out of control hair” gave me a good detangling method; “How to have a whiter smile” taught me to use baking soda as a whitener, something I still use to this day; “How to make your eyes look brighter” gave me the tip of using a frozen spoon on my eyes (apparently you shouldn’t do that but I did); Even “how to have a good night’s sleep” worked for a bit, as I imagined my troubles in a box floating away, before insomnia took over.
Though I do think there are some tips that could help me to this day (“how to be the best bridesmaid,” “how to be the coolest party guest,” “how to write your own autobiography,” and “how to beat the blues,” aka how to not be depressed), as I began to grow older, I saw the book as outdated, filled with tips for feminine women, who didn’t own black lipstick or doc Martens (I know, I was “not like other girls”). I think the book would have been helpful for me when I was in seventh grade, as back then I’d made it a goal to “be more feminine,” wearing skirts and trying to make myself look like a pretty girl.
As I observed the other books from the same imprint, I found myself angered by this box I had been put in. In the back of the book, a page reads, “sure your kids are good, but they could be the…best at everything,” advertising the boys’ book: how to be the best at everything in contrast to the girls’ book: how to be the best at everything:
Where the boys got to have fun in the most “boys will be boys” way (speaking in code, hypnotizing a chicken), the girls got to “design stylish clothes!”(I’m sure there were more fun things the girls got to do in the book). I think my wish was that girls didn’t have to be goddesses who were perfect, beautiful, and smelled nice, but given the same chance to make mistakes as boys.
Before I started this essay, I thought about updating this book, with tips that would have been helpful to me in “womanhood” (shaving your legs, doing eyeliner, etc.). But if I was 15 and attempting to still figure myself out, I think the messier tips would have been better for me to understand that it was okay to make mistakes and have fun in unethical ways. So I’ve put together some updated tips in what I’m calling “A Guide to Taking Names and Giving No Fucks.”
How to cry in public
At first, I felt this tip wouldn't be super necessary since the book already had “how to cry at a wedding.” But then I realized how little that tip encompassed. What if you just got the worst news ever? What if you’re a having a mental breakdown? What if you live with other people and you have nowhere to be alone? Crying in public is an important life skill because you never know where and when you might need a good cry. It also teaches you to be confident and own your emotions within public spaces.
How much time do you have? If you know the tears are already there, you need to think fast. If you know the waterworks are on their way, you have some time.
How are you feeling about this cry? Obviously sad, unless you wouldn’t be crying. But what’s this about? If this is a cry about your life, you might be more self-conscious. If this is a cry about other people, you may feel less so. Take two seconds to reflect and then figure out your spot based on that.
Scan your surroundings. If you’re in a building, decide where in the building is best, using context clues to figure out if your cry volume will fit in with the space (maybe move if it’s going to be too loud). If you’re outside, honestly any spot will do.
Tips:
Make sure you have tissues at the ready but if you want to be a #girlboss, own your tears and let them show.
For a silent cry, libraries can be great, just make sure you choose the right stacks. You might also be able to observe a room to cry.
Bathrooms can work too, but if you do choose that option, single user is better than multi-stall (you don’t want to be crying and hearing the sounds of someone shitting near you, do you? Both of you will be self-conscious).
Train stations also work because in big cities, no one cares. Also parks, but make sure that the spot you choose is away from couples, because no one likes to see happiness rubbed in their face while they are trying to cry.
If someone should come up to you to tell you to be quiet or, worse, ask if you’re okay (very unlikely but there are “nice” people out there), try to give them your best “I’m fine” or “Allergy season, amirite?” If they still don’t leave (“are you sure?” or “it’s okay if you’re not” ewww), move to another spot (unless you want to trauma dump on a random person, which honestly, they kind of asked for, coming up to you like that. Free therapy!).
It should go without saying but do. not. try. to. numb. yourself. with. a. substance. Have the cry and then resume your life.
If this is a drunken cry after a long night, please call a friend or head to a club bathroom where a nice person will likely hype you up.
How to make money
No, I’m not talking about with a standard 9-5 job. Here are some obvious (and not so obvious) ways to make some cash. *Side note: many of these are for legal adults, not teenagers.
If you are brave and bold, OnlyFans will do. You could also try to sell feet pics or your used underwear.
Sign up for a free testing site where you take surveys to enter into paid tests. You could also sign up for a clinical study at a nearby university and get paid if you meet the qualifications.
Freeze your eggs.
If you’re in college, model nude for art classes.
Sell your clothing, either on DePop or to a thrift store (or straight to consumers, by promoting on social media).
Wait for your tax refund to come in, maybe you’ll have something.
Scavenge your house or apartment for random coins, you never know what you could find.
Check Craigslist for random jobs or people who will pay you to help them.
Help someone move, they might pay you.
Ask your grandmother or uncle. They will do it, especially if they know your parents won’t.
Dog or cat sit for a week.
Rob a bank.
Write about all the ways you made money for a website. You likely won’t make a lot, but at least it’s something.
How to piss people off for fun
Are you bored at a date, party, or family function? Has someone been bothering you? Make your own kind of fun and kill time by messing with them. This event just got a whole lot more interesting. *Side note: this is for fun ONLY. Do not do or promote anything offensive or generally mean.
Get to know your subject. If it’s a date, ask a lot of questions. If they ask you none, you have more of a reason to do this. If it’s a party, you’ve chosen them based on how annoying they are to everyone. Signs of being annoying include someone who: talks loudly, likes bleu cheese (anyone who likes bleu cheese and willing eats it has some issues) and Quentin Tarantino, was rude to someone already, and has made you angry. Get to know them by asking them questions or getting someone to introduce you.
Find what makes them tick. A specific movie? Hearing people talk about TikToks? People attempting to cancel Louis CK AGAIN? Astrology? Crypto Currency? Whatever it is, once you know it, you need to find a way to mention it. Then, engage in an argument with them about it OR attempt to disprove them on a point they made about it.
Suggest a game. Maybe it’s a board game the group can play or a game like 20 questions. Whatever it is, you either want to win or make winning for them a living hell.
Create a quirk of yours that bothers them. It could be that you keep going to the bathroom or that you weirdly say “bazinga” after each sentence (note: if this is a party, you are going to piss everyone off, so you need to make this specifically targeted toward them).
Ask them to clarify something over and over again. Having to repeat themselves will tire them out.
Find something dumb and argue about it. It could be not having your license on a road trip (an actual argument I started on a date), the color on something (like the blue or white dress from 2014), or even just a terrible movie that everyone knows is bad but you liked.
Lie about something stupid, like “did you know that Justin Timberlake was double jointed?” Might not annoy them but will spice up whatever you’re doing.
Be sure to still try to be nice. Yes, you are trying to annoy them but you also want them to feel like arguing with you is worth it.
By the end of this, you’ve either made a nemesis for life, established your dominance (go off, alpha!), or in a severe sense, made them never want to see you again.
How to bleach your hair
Though the book does offer ways of transforming your hair and recommends coloring it, bleaching is a much more permanent and messy solution. For the time when you want a transformation but are too cheap to go to a salon, bleaching is definitely the right solution and won’t ruin your hair at all.
Decide if you will do it by yourself or have help. I recommend having a friend on board.
Ensure you have everything you need. Gloves, a bowl, a brush, a shower cap, towels, an awful shirt that you can mess up, the bleach solution, and a sick playlist (because you need good music). If you’re planning to dye your hair post-bleach, have your color ready.
If you are planning on cutting your hair or making any changes to what’s on your head currently, do that before you bleach (not after or you’ve wasted a lot of product). If not, skip to step four.
Begin the process and follow the steps on the box. It’s going to smell awful and may take a long time, but it will be worth it because you will feel as though you have transformed and all your mental health issues are gone.
Let the bleach sit. If you need more bleach, add more.
Rinse it out.
Proceed with coloring if it’s your next step, otherwise, tone the bleach so it works and matches your roots.
Maybe you’ll love it. Maybe you’ll hate it. Maybe you’ll just shave your head.
How to wait
I know most of these tips have been anti-goddess girl and I’m proud of their semi-unusefull-ness. But if there was one helpful tip the book could have provided me with, it would have been the gift of patience. I am not a patient person and waiting can be anxiety-inducing. So here are my tips to help ease the burden of the waiting period (for job offer, an ultimatum decision, a friend returning, etc.):
Make sure you are keeping busy, whether that’s a day by yourself doing the things you love, being with friends, or even just playing video games.
DO NOT make a countdown. You need to be in the moment because you are missing things that are right in front of you, which could be events with friends, family time, etc.
Cook. Cooking takes your mind off any worry you might have. And you get a good(ish) meal out of it.
Listen to music and stay active. Exercise does suck but taking a walk or dancing gets you out of the funk you have while waiting.
Do a crossword. This will work until it becomes too difficult to think about the answer and you suddenly find yourself thinking about what you’re waiting for.
Accept that you have to wait but don’t put any weight (no pun intended) on what’s to come. Whatever happens, good or bad, does not control your overall happiness. You do.
The Girls’ Book of Glamour is not a bad book for women or femme-presenting people, because in truth it does provide fun tips. Who doesn’t want soft feet or smooth skin? Why wouldn't you host a spa-style party? I only wish the book expanded to topics that were more fun or silly and didn’t focus just on glamour or beauty. But the book is for people who want to be goddesses (whatever those are; the book never actually defies what makes a goddess) and maybe that isn’t me, as post-reading it, I am not glamorous nor have I been invited to the Met gala yet. Perhaps I’m still in the process of getting there. In that case, a Goop self-help book might be just what I need.
